7 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Meet a Leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day
Leprechauns, the faires of Irish folklore (no disrespect) are popular symbols this time of year. With St. Patrick’s Day on the horizon, the little men with their hidden coins, pots of gold and ginger muttonchops are running rampant through the streets spreading their magical mischief.
Many people just don’t know exactly what to do when crotch to face with these men of mythical magic. We felt it our duty to provide tips on the seven things you should never do if you meet a little laddy.
Ask Him to Fill Out Your March Madness Bracket
Beside the fact that leprechauns are degenerate gamblers, allowing one of these little fellas to fill out your NCAA sheet will get your bracket busted faster than Amanda Bynes on a Sunday drive. Leprechauns they are huge homers. You’re assuming Notre Dame fans right? Nope. Iona. Every leprechaun thinks 2013 is Iona’s year because leprechauns think EVERY year is Iona’s year. Even years they don’t make the big dance. It’s a really odd sports allegiance.
Mention You’ve Seen ‘Bunheads’
One of the most popular shows on television is ABC Family’s ‘Bunheads’ which is about four young girls who take a ballet class, in this crazy town, and their teacher is a former showgirl and…it’s like ‘Gilmore Girls’ with ballet is the best way to put it and it’s AMAZING and the characters seem so real and we sound like school girls.
A majority of the viewing audience is comprised of teenage girls, two grown men who manage popular websites and leprechauns and all these people are willing to discuss the show AT LENGTH. It’s like asking your mom why she watches ‘Castle’ AND OH MAN WE WATCH ‘CASTLE’ TOO! Did you see last week…
Buy Drugs Off Him
Don’t buy drugs from leps. Every year, leprechauns are responsible for the production and distribution of over 20% of the counterfeit narcotics in the world. Popular “lepre-cons” include mixing herbs or grass clippings with tobacco to pass off as weed, untreated paper dipped in household chemicals as LSD and the cereal shavings from boxes of Lucky Charms packed tightly in baggies and passed off as designer cocaine. On a related note, snorting Lucky Charms shavings will provide a momentary hallucinogen-like state of mind but we suggest smoking some Frosted Mini-Wheat shavings to make the comedown a little less harsh.
Friend Request Him on Facebook
All those little bastards do on Facebook all day is post pictures of their pots of gold and invite people to play Dragon City and Freshville. The minute you reject and block you’ll find another game request in your feed they are MERCILESS.
Invite Him to a Threesome
It’s going to come up if both you and your lady friend have hit the sauce particularly heavy on St. Pat’s Day. “He’s cute” she’ll say or “remember what you promised” she’ll remind you. Lest you be warned about the prowess of the little green men — God giveth and God taketh away and in the case of the leprechaun, God taketh their height but giveth them length in the pocket shillelagh. Every leprechaun is hung. Also, the dudes are high on cereal shavings so they’ll be able to go all night. Your girl will never be the same.
Challenge Him To a Drinking Contest
Just because the leprechaun is a beloved symbols of the St. Pat’s spirit, that doesn’t mean he can hang with the rest of the group. Leprechauns are super duper lightweights when it comes to handling booze. Sure, they’ll talk a good game, but they are like 2-feet tall. Countless leprechauns are killed every March 17th due to alcohol poisoning. A couple swigs of Guinness and they are slurring, half hugging your leg and blabbing on and on about “that road trip in college you all went to see Greg” and come on man that’s like five years ago and we’ve all moved on and he should too because he’s a good guy but things can’t be the same forever. We’re sorry but we had to say that. Don’t cry little dude. UGH! You always do this when you drink man!
Think You’ve Seen a Leprechaun
If you should happen to run into a leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day, here is some vital information and even more important than the six other tips provided above — leprechauns don’t really exist. You’re super drunk and hallucinating and need to stop drinking and sleep off this condition. Yeah man, Greg’s house was a blast, but it was a different lifetime and you think you’re seeing little green men and rainbows and we’re all worried about you dude so let’s sober you up and get some help. Lie down. We’ve got ‘Bunheads’ recorded so let’s just watch a couple episodes, have some black coffee and ride this wave.