Five Things You Should NOT Get Your Wife/Girlfriend for Christmas

Chances are if you're like most men, you'll put off buying a Christmas gift for that special lady in your life until the last possible moment. If not, congratulations! You're obviously a keeper and don't need any help. But for those that can't say the same--and you know who you are--I'm going to give you a little help with this list of the things you should NEVER buy your wife/girlfriend for Christmas.

1. Perfume we've never worn
As much as we want to smell like your 9th grade girlfriend, we don't.  Just because the smell may remind you of a happier, simpler time, we don't want you to be reminded of any girl that has has gotten to second base with you any time we wear it.  Malibu Musk and Love's Baby Soft were cool in the 90's.  But grown women don't wear perfume from an aerosol can unless it's an emergency.  We also don't want any perfume endorsed by any famous women you have the hots for.  That's just insulting.  Sure, steal our copy of Cosmo with her on the cover for the bathroom, but don't expect a few squirts of their product to turn us into your celebrity crush.  Oh, and we really don't want the coordinating lotion, body gel, and bath poof that comes with it in the gift pack.   There is an exception to this rule though--if it's a perfume that you know she wears and/or she's asked for it--you're good to go.

2. Anything that has to do with cleaning or cooking
Again--unless we've specifically asked for the item--don't buy it!  I don't care if it's on sale.  I don't care if you waited in line for 18 hours on Black Friday.  I don't care if they gave it to you free because you look like a nice guy.  Buying any appliance that is used for household chores or in the kitchen implies that your wife/girlfriend/woman friend isn't doing well enough in those departments and needs a little help.  It would be like us buying you a Brad Pitt mask and asking you to wear it to bed.   The only exception to this rule: A robot that vacuums for us. Preferably Rosie from "The Jetsons" but if not, one of the cute Roomba guys.  Just don't expect us to learn to do the robot when we turn it on.

3. Anything that points out the weight we've gained
This includes: weights, workout DVD's, stationary bikes, elliptical machines, gym memberships, etc. or clothes that don't fit.   We may be getting a little fluffy, and we know this.  That's what the holidays will do. Who am I kidding?  It's our lack of self-control.  And that is why every year our resolution is to get in shape. But to have our man point it out to us is irritating.  It will not help your chances in the bedroom.  Unless, of course, you're wearing the above-mentioned Brad Pitt mask.

4. Gift Cards
There's nothing that says "I love you so much and wanted to get you an awesome gift this year so I searched high and low for hours upon hours and finally found it.THE ONE.  I know you'll love it." like a gift card.  Not!   There is no thought put into a gift card other than "I don't know her well enough to get her a gift and I have no desire to actually find out what she really wants." Not only will we be hurt that you don't care--it's just plain lazy.  Gift cards are for the mailman.  Your boss.  The nanny.  But not the women who bore your children, puts up with your snoring, and cleans your urine off the toilet seat all while sleeping with you sans Brad Pitt mask.

5. Anything that is on YOUR wish list
This could range from sporting event tickets (unless she's just as big of a fan as you are) power tools, or even a new gadget you secretly want.  Unless of course you'd like us to gift you the "2013 Hot Guys holding Puppies Calendar" or maybe the "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy.

Obviously the big no-no's on this list aren't designed for every woman.  Just every woman who has standards.  Kidding!  Kind of.   But seriously.  Just know that it's not the price of the gift, but the thought that goes into it.  If you really know your woman, and it shows in your gift choices, she will appreciate it.  Here are a few suggestions if you're really struggling, or if you're broke:

• Try your hand at a home made gift...we love your MacGyver skills--now put them to good use!
• Complete the "honey do" list projects without prodding.  Personally, nothing would melt me faster than seeing the blinds hung in the kitchen so I'm not worried whether or not the neighbor is watching me get my groove on to "Gangnam Style" while doing the dishes.
• Pour your heart out into a poem--you don't have to be Shakespeare or anything.  But make it longer than a Haiku and don't try and rhyme anything with "boobs."
• Make her a book with "good for one back massage," "full control of the remote for a day" and "free pass on family board game night" coupons in it.    I promise, she'll love it more than anything you could ever buy her.

Merry Christmas!