All Hail Megatron, the Best Theme Park Meet and Greet Character

I’ve never been the biggest fan of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies.

At their best, they were loud, abrasive spectacles. At their worst, they were ... let me see what I wrote here about Transformers: Age of Extinction ... ah yes: “Give Age Of Extinction this much credit: Of all the Transformers movies, this is the longest. And save for a few visual centerpieces and a couple of amusing supporting turns, it’s also an endless, incoherent mess. It would be easier (and possibly quicker) to attain total spiritual enlightenment than to fully comprehend the slippery motivations of the characters in this story.”

So, yeah, that’s not great!

But despite my general dissatisfaction with the Bay Transformers films, I can’t entirely hate them, because they gave us one of the great additions to American popular culture of the 21st century: The Megatron who meets — and mostly insults and/or terrifies — guests at Universal theme parks in Orlando and Hollywood.

To be sure, Megatron is an unlikely candidate for a theme park meet-and-greet. Most characters who pose for pictures or sign autographs for guests at Disney or Universal parks are cuddly cartoon characters, or friendly princesses, or brave superheroes. Megatron, the sadistic leader of the evil Decepticons, is none of those things. He’s a hideous 10-foot-tall metal monster with glowing eyes, razor-sharp fangs, and a massive claw hand who wants to conquer Earth and destroy Optimus Prime and the heroic Autobots.

He acts accordingly when he meets guests at Universal Studios Hollywood and Universal Studios Florida. His disgust with everyone he encounters, and his delight in his own casual cruelty, make him extremely fun to watch on social media — as in clips like this:

Unlike a lot of costumed theme park characters, Universal’s Megatron is a very convincing illusion. He’s performed by a man inside a stilted suit, plus a hidden voice performer who interacts with guests in character in real time. It really feels like you’re carrying on a conversation with a sentient robot with a bad attitude. And the guys that Universal found to voice Megatron are all great at their jobs. They really get into the fun of playing a death machine from the stars who hates tourists, hates taking photos, and especially hates you.

Case in point: Don’t every tell Megatron it’s your birthday. He will not wish you a happy birthday. He will remind you that all a birthday means is the sweet embrace of death is getting closer and closer all the time.

Megatron has a comeback for just about everything. Oh, you like your Los Angeles Dodgers hat? Well, actually, the “LA” stands for something else...

Most theme-park characters try to bring smiles and joy to children’s faces. Megatron wants to make your kids cry.

I know this from personal experience. When my family visited Universal Studios Hollywood last winter, Megatron mocked my oldest daughter’s Pokemon T-shirt (“Look at the friendship! It sickens me! Blech!”) and petrified my youngest child to the point that she refused to take a picture with him alone.

When I told Megatron she was feeling a little timid in his presence, he roared back “As she should!” Then he went on to declare she was extremely “crushable” with “very snappable limbs.” Then he laughed hysterically. As we posed for a picture he stomped forward and swung his arm, making my kids jump and scream.

“Drat,” Megatron hissed. “I missed.”

But Megatron also has other, more subtle methods of psychological warfare with families. If you make Megatron pose with your adorable little children, he will get his revenge (of the fallen) by telling your kid that you are going to go buy her toys and candy afterwards — leaving you no choice to make good his promise or face the consequences of a cranky, crying kid for the next hour.

The universal language is not love. It’s Megatron.

If you’re feeling brave and want to challenge Megatron, just be ready. He’s not easily intimidated. (Also: “like a toothpick wrapped in a napkin” is such a beautiful insult to deliver to a would-be tough guy. Megatron is a poet.)

There are literally hundreds more videos like these online. (That Instagram account @transformer_megatron is a great follow.)

There’s an Optimus Prime who meets guests at Universal Studios as well, but he is just kind and friendly and supportive like every other costumed character who poses for pictures in theme parks. Who wants that? There is enough phony cheerfulness in these spaces already.

That’s why meet-and-greet Megatron is such a special guy. Unlike everyone else who works in theme parks, walking on eggshells around guests with phony smiles and pained kindness, there’s no pained kindness with Megatron. Only pain. He is sick of the heat and the lines and the crying kids and the whining and he not going to take your crap anymore.

He is the voice of sanity in an insane world. Megatron isn’t the hero we need, but he’s the villain we deserve right now. All hail Megatron.